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All the cool kids with websites always have a section where they display their pretty artwork or other random stuff they made. I created this section so I can be hip just like the other kids, even though I think all forms of artist expression are for lame pansy wusses.
"Wait a minute, is that just an excuse you use because your kiddie-art sucks?"
Perhaps, but anyone who disagrees with the previous statement will get their ass kicked by me....or somebody bigger and with more teeth, whichever is required for the situation.
This is Mr. Octopus. He has tentacles (not to be confused with testicles). He's really mean and likes to eat people, wooden blocks, wax fruit and other stuff like that. I made him in kiddie art class 380. One time I was walking through the arboretum and I dropped him, then he got dirty and a duck tried to eat him.
This is a color wheel. I liked this assignment because it's concrete and everybody had to make the same thing which makes it easy to tell which kid did a suckier job than the rest. Notice my superior color application skills. You wish you could do that, don't you?
This is a lamp; I have nothing more to say.
Yeah I know it sucks, shut up! Let's see you do better. Actually you probably could. I'm not even sure what this thing is. It's some kind of parrot-bird-macaw thing. I don't really know because I didn't have any animal pictures to model after. The teacher just told eveyone to draw a rain forest animal with our crayola markers and that was the best I could come up with.
Tribal Hamster
No I did not make this thing for a grade. I made it because I needed a paper filled with chalk to test the can of varnish I had in the garage. As you can see from the right side of the paper, 20 year old varnish does a crappy job of preserving drawings made out of soft pastels. Hair spray doesn't work particularly well either (that's what the other side is coated with), but my teacher told me to use it, and not as toxic as some other product all the fancy pants art students use.
This is a crab; he is boring and lame.
Oh boy, another sucky assignment. The teacher said we had to make self portraits of ourselves using only certain colors of chalk. Then she said the pictures didn't have to actually look like us and they wouldn't look like us, so I guess this really wasn't a self portrait assignment. Yoni says this thing looks like a mummy. I think it looks like suck.
This fuzzy picture was my tessellation assignment. My shape is really twisty and swirly because I was lazy the day we started that assignment in class so I made it take as long as possible to cut out so I could work on it at home. The thing facing right is supposed to be a Phoenix, and the thing facing left is supposed to be some sort of a dragon, not the homosexual western European kind though.
When I was little I thought watercolors sucked because the colors always came out super watery and pale. Now I've found out I was just using the paint incorrectly and added way too much water. This was our "watercolor technique" assignment. It was fun because I could do a crappy job on it and still get an A. Actually, that's the way all my assignments in this class work, so I guess this one really isn't that special.
This is the assignment I've been working on in class right now. I was supposed to take it home and finish it, but I'm too lazy and that's probably not gonna happen so it should still look like this when I turn it in. I colored this with kiddie watercolor paint again. None of the colors turned out exactly right except for possibly the tiny kettle, which lacks depth so it didn't come out right anyway.
Ok, I'm finished with this project now so you can ignore everything I wrote above. I tried making the kettle look more 3-dimensional, but that actually just ended up ruining the painting because the water bled too much while I was trying to paint over it. It doesn't really matter anyway though since Mrs. Teacher lady gave me 10/10. I also changed the picture I had up above this text, so now it looks more burry, but the colors are more bright. I should make somebody with a more steady hand should take these pictures for me.
crayon and watercolor butterfly, ofthesuck.
These are twin space aliens I made with an x-acto knife and construction paper. You can tell they are space aliens because they have antennae. Sometimes I wish they would just go back to their home planet, but then they nibble my ear and I say "eww gross, space alien drool!" and run away, which means they get to stay.
For those of you who are saying "booo-urns, your space aliens suck," you are wrong, and you are the one who is of the sucking. Cutting lace through three layers of fall-apart-kiddie-construction paper is hard.
This is Mr. Horny Toad. He used to be red, but now he is green because I got ink all over him; I was using him as a stamp. He has triangles and other things on his body that you can't see but I can because its "the emperor's new clothes" effect which works exactly like it did in the story except this time there's no pretend tailors to tell lies so it obviously must be true which means mesmart youdumb theend.
crayon rubbing hornytoad
Haha! Look! It is a hornytoadbutt! So funny... Hahahahahaha...ha...................ha?
In case you could not tell, this is a mask. We had to cover our faces with Vaseline while making these and it did not feel very nice afterwards. I think I ripped out some of my hair while trying to take it off. I was lazy and didn't make mine very smooth with covering it with Plaster o' Paris, so it doesn't look as cool as it should. The pink thing is supposed to be a flamingo. There are feathers on top, but you can't see them; only smart people can see them.
Look everybody, it's the YoniPony! Not really, the real YoniPony is much skinnier, and much vainer. When I started making this it looked just like the YoniPony, but then I decided my teacher would just think I did a bad job so I taped muscles on to it. This "great Dane with a toupee" is made out of newspaper, tape and glue. That is all.
This is a spider. He was stamped on with a stamp I made out of a Styrofoam plate. If you think the outside coloring is totally ugly, blame Yoni, he's the one who did the ugly half of it. Then he'll say something lame like "it's not my fault that nerd didn't do her homework!!" But it is a lie, and I forgot what I was talking about, so that is all again.
This construction paper mask is called the "I taped you together in the hallway 7 minutes before class started and then got smashed by the other kids' mask and my nose came out crooked" mask.
This is Mr. Horny Toad again after he was stamped on with printing ink onto another piece of construction paper. I think I've run out of things to talk about.
This is not foil. I made it with the poking and the smashing. Then I broke three pencils and I still haven't sharpened them. The End
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